A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
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How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.