[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
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“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
March 16
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school