[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
You Might Also Like
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.