I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
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The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Wedding planning is organized crime.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself