Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
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I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.