Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
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“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*