70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
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Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
But wait…
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.