I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
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Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Oh the world we live in…
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…