Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
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You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
i’m laughing very hard in real life
I have no passwords left in me
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…