Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
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When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Still cracks me up
the noise i just made
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?