Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
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Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
When news reporters do sports stories
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
who called it hell and not heaven’t
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
If only
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL: