Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
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How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.