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(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat