They also CAN sing✌️
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I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
The first one, obviously