Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
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Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
We’re all getting idioter.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read