They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
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[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”