My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
You Might Also Like
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm