Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
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Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.