Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
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[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*