ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
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Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Google assistant rules
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion