Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
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Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice