Happy Friday
You Might Also Like
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
How actors in movies eat their food
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.