People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
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hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
pictures of spider-man
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.