when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
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In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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10. He is a cat.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it