Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
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I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.