hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
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Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.