If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
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FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.