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Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.