My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
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Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.