There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
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People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.