For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
You Might Also Like
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
My purse is deeper than some people.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.