I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
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Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?