Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
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if I can survive this, I can survive anything
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.