If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
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They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue