love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
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Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend: