The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
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I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Overindulged this afternoon.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.