911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
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Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings