[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
You Might Also Like
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers