“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
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Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.