Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
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Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
sounds kinky. i’m in.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.