[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
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Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*