Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
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“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Oh deer
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?