i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
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*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
taking June’s advice to heart
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.