SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
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I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?