i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
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Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.