Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
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To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
They did not miss in the small print
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera