What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
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If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Dishonest mechanic?
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Need WebMD
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.