I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
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Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Sometimes? I’m slipping
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*