I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
You Might Also Like
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Hilarious if literal: arms race
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light