My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
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If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.